


The Newlywed Exercise

by avengersasssemble



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Pining, Secret Relationship, Team Bonding, The Newlywed Game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-15 06:24:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13607463
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avengersasssemble/pseuds/avengersasssemble
Summary: Fury orders the team to play The Newlywed Game to test their knowledge of their teammates, with Natasha playing the hostess. May the best couple win?





	The Newlywed Exercise

**Author's Note:**

> This is based on a tumblr prompt but I couldn't find it to link to it... Unbeta'd.

“Why are we doing this again?”

“Team building exercise, courtesy of Nick Fury,” Natasha answered, shaking the hat between her hands as she gave Tony a look, “You can blame Clint for picking what it is.”

From his place on the couch, Tony shot the archer a glare, at which Clint merely shrugged.

“I like Sherri Shepherd,” he said, draping his legs over the side of the armchair he was lounging in.

Tony sighed deeply, sinking back into the couch with a pout. It wasn’t that he hated team building exercises, but he _hated_ team building exercises, and more specifically, he hated Clint’s ideas. Having to play _The Newlywed Game_ with his team was already embarrassing, but the fact that none of them were outwardly dating each other made it kind of awkward. Of course, there were suspicions and lots of PDA (gross, Bucky) but no one specifically said _oh yeah Clint and I are dating_! Which, Tony didn’t really blame them: if he was dating Clint, he wouldn’t want anyone else to know, either.

Which is why Natasha had the hat. With all of their names in it.

“Can’t we just pick teams?” Bruce asked from his recliner, “Isn’t that how it’s supposed to go?”

“The point of the exercise is to see how well we know each other. The better we understand each other, the more cohesive we’ll be on the field,” Steve answered from his spot on the floor, “Right?”

“Sure,” Natasha drawled, putting the hat on the coffee table, “You all know how to play, right?”

The group looked at each other, and other than Tony and Clint’s respective glare and enthusiastic nod, there was a collective head shake.

“Alright. So, you’ll be paired into couples. Half of you will go in a different room, and I’ll ask your spouses a question about you. They’ll give an answer, then you’ll come back and answer the question yourself. If your answers match, you’ll get points. The couple with the most points wins,” she explained, “Got it?”

“And why aren’t you playing, Natasha?” Thor teased.

“I’d win.”

There was no argument. With that, Natasha waved her hand, at which they all scrambled to their feet. Together, they rearranged the furniture and dragged out the dining room chairs, setting up three sets of pairs with a chair in the front for Natasha. Once they were settled, Nat held out the hat, to which Thor plucked a name first.

“Bruce! My favorite!” The god laughed, going over to drag the scientist up into a hug.

“Yeah, gypsy, I know,” he grinned, patting Thor’s back.

The two went to sit, and Tony looked at the three men left and immediately felt fear crawl up his spine. He locked eyes with Natasha, who merely smirked, winking back at him.

“Is it possible to have loaded pieces of paper?” he muttered, crossing his arms as Bucky moved forward to draw.

As soon as he pulled out the name, Tony’s heart sank into his stomach.

“Barton, get your ass over here, you’re my wife for today,” Bucky snorted, sitting down in one of the chair pairs.

Tony looked at the two settled pairs and slowly turned, making eye contact with Steve. They moved to their own pair of chairs, settling a little uncomfortably.

“And Mom and Dad as the last pair. Fitting,” Natasha said, putting the hat at her feet, “Now, everyone decide who is going first and who is second. Those going second will leave the room.”

Bruce and Clint immediately stood, at which Tony snorted. He turned to ask Steve which he wanted to do, mouth hanging open as the blond grinned sheepishly from his standing position.

“Sorry. You’re the smart one, so you answer the questions first,” was all he said before joining Bruce and Clint to nearly sprint out of the room.

Tony slid his eyes over to glance at Thor and Bucky, then back to Natasha, who was quietly handing each of them small pieces of cardstock and a marker.

“Okay, wives. I’m going to ask you three questions. Put one answer per piece of cardstock, okay?” Natasha asked, resettling herself on the chair at the front of the room, “First question: What is your spouse’s most irritating habit? Bucky, we’ll start with you.”

“Leaving out food in the open and then consuming it when it should be thrown away,” Bucky snorted, busy scribbling on his cardstock, “It’s disgusting. Like, I get that Clint can eat _anything_ , but he shouldn’t be judging the flavors of the differently colored mold on his pizza.”

Natasha smirked, then turned to Thor.

“Banner is very unsure of accepting his green half. Which, of course, is understandable, but the constant whining instead of letting go and pummeling his enemies can become tiresome. Not to mention it can get us killed.”

Tony nodded in agreement, only to stop at Natasha’s piercing stare. He gulped, hurriedly wracking his brain for Steve’s _most irritating habit—_

“He takes my favorite jam,” he blurted, eyes widening as he realized he couldn’t back out, “I mean, uh, yeah. At breakfast. He likes to have jam on toast some mornings, and he knows I import my blackberry jam and that it is _damn_ expensive, but he eats in anyway. Now I have to buy _twice_ as much.”

“You’re fucking kidding me,” Bucky wheezed, cackling in his chair, “Oh my _god_. No way.”

 “It is from a very small village in France, and it costs more than your entire existence—”

“Enough,” Natasha interrupted, rolling her eyes, “Alright, second question. What is your spouse’s favorite flavor of ice cream?”

“He doesn’t have one,” Bucky said.

“Doesn’t matter, you have to choose,” Natasha said.

The two looked at each other until Bucky cast his glance away, lips twitching slightly in annoyance.

“Alright. Peanut butter chocolate,” Bucky sighed, scribbling it on a piece of cardstock.

“Green tea mochi,” Thor said next, shrugging, “Friend Hulk made an appearance last time I attempted to eat them.”

Natasha turned last to Tony, who was busy using his phone as a screen to work on updating the suit.

“Butter pecan,” Tony murmured, not really paying attention, “The more candied pecans, the better.”

“Write it on the cardstock, Tony. And give me your phone.”

Tony grunted, but handed to phone over, writing down his answer on the cardstock. He looked over at the other two ‘wives,’ frowning when he saw them smirking at him.

“What?” he snapped, “It’s his favorite.”

“Nah, man. Steve’s favorite is strawberry,” Bucky snorted, “He couldn’t have it until after the serum because of his allergies.”

“You’re wrong.”

“Oh, really? His best friend is wrong?”

“No, I’m not,” Tony said haughtily, crossing his arms, “Nat, ask the next question.”

She looked at the three men before sighing and shifting her own cards, pulling out the next question.

“Alright, last one before we call your husbands back in. What would your spouse request as a last meal? James?”

Bucky’s eyes glazed over for a moment before he shook his head, making himself concentrate again.

“A pizza. Pepperoni, sausage, anchovies, and pineapple. With a large cup of black coffee,” he decided.

Natasha nodded, moving her gaze to Thor.

“I do not know, but I would guess a cup of hot tea with…a garden salad,” Thor said, shrugging.

Natasha turned to Tony, clearing her throat multiple times before he looked up.

“Uh. Steve would want shepherd’s pie, but with colcannon instead of regular mashed potatoes on top,” he said, writing it down as he spoke, “He’d also want it with half lamb and half beef, and a Sam Adams. Preferably Octoberfest.”

It was quiet in the room for a second, causing Tony to look up. Seeing the other three staring at him, he shrugged, putting his cards down.

“JARVIS, call the others back in. You three keep your cards face-down,” Natasha sighed, taking out her own phone, “After they give their answers, you show your respective cards.”

Bruce, Steve, and Clint filtered back into the room, sitting with their respective parties. Tony noticed that the others seemed fairly comfortable, but turning to Steve, the Captain was unusually distracted, flicking through his Starkpad.

“Alright, husbands,” the redhead in question called, clapping her hands together, “The question I asked your wives was, what is your spouse’s most irritating habit? Clint, we’ll start with you.”

“Oh god, probably my food,” the archer snorted, tucking his feet under him, “Bucky hates when I eat stuff that probably isn’t even suitable for dogs. It’s still _good¸_ though.”

Bucky turned up his card, grinning as the two high-fived.

“It’s still disgusting and if you keep doing it, Natasha will skin you,” he said, still grinning despite the other’s pout.

“Alright, Bruce, what do you think Thor said was your most irritating habit?” Natasha interrupted, flicking a balled-up piece of paper at Bucky.

“Uh—I don’t know, gosh. Probably that I’m quieter than him,” the scientist snorted, “I know he doesn’t exactly like silence.”

Natasha turned to Thor, who raised his card sheepishly.

“Nay, brother Banner. I enjoy your silence. Sometimes wisdom is softer than we realize,” Thor laughed, clapping a hand on Bruce’s shoulder before offering a hesitant smile, “However…I think you should be stronger in your relationship with friend Hulk. Hesitancy is the folly of man.”

Bruce’s lips turned up into a small smile as he nodded, knocking his head against Thor’s shoulder as a sign of thanks. With that, Natasha turned to Tony and Steve, having to clear her throat to wake up the former.

“Huh? What? Are we still doing this?” Tony murmured, sitting up again.

“Yes, Tony,” Nat snorted, “Alright, Steve, what does Tony think is your most annoying habit?”

Without looking up from his phone, Steve said, “Stealing his jam. The French brand. It reminds me of stuff I managed to snag during the war, and it’s really good, but that shit’s expensive. I eat it anyway and it pisses him off.”

Tony smirked, leaving the rest of the room in stunned silence for a moment. Bucky went so far as to lean out of his seat, just so he could make eye contact to glare. Steve, of course, was too distracted by his phone to notice.

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Natasha whistled, “Alright, question two. What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? Bruce, you go first this time.”

“Okay. I like mochi,” he said, pushing his glasses up his nose, “Red bean or green tea.”

“Pick a flavor,” Nat sighed, rolling her eyes.

“Green tea.”

Thor showed his cardstock, laughing happily as he clapped Bruce on his shoulder.

“Couldn’t forget me gettin’ a little, uh, ticked over you eating my stash, huh?”

“Nay. T’was a mighty battle! ...Though, I still feel bad for eating them.”

“Okay boys, give Mom and Dad their turn to answer,” Natasha interrupted, waving her face with her cards, “Steve, what’s your favorite ice cream flavor?”

“It's strawberry!” Bucky complained before Steve could answer, “I’m _telling_ you—”

“No, its butter pecan,” Steve said, raising an eyebrow as he leaned forward to look over at Bucky, “I mean, strawberry is good, but butter pecan will _always_ be my favorite. It’s the flavor I got when we went to Coney Island and I threw up on the rollercoaster, Buck. I thought you knew that.”

“I knew that was what you had, I thought you said your favorite was strawberry since you can finally eat it!”

Tony snorted a laugh and shook his head, showing his cardstock before flicking it toward Bucky.

“Eat it, Barnes,” he said, sticking his tongue out.

“Be nice,” Steve scolded, “Maybe I said it was my favorite. I have it often enough that it could be….”

“But you said butter pecan,” Nat drawled, “Alright Clint, your turn. What’s your fa—”

“Superman,” Clint interrupted, “Always Superman.”

“ _What!_ ” Bucky yelped, “No! You don’t have one! You eat _all_ —”

“Yeah but Superman makes my lips turn purple, so it’s the best,” Clint argued, jabbing a finger into Bucky’s chest, “You’re really off of your ice cream game, man. I barely order anything else than Superman!”

“Alright, alright, enough,” Bruce sighed, “Let's get on with this. I want to go back to my lab.”

“Hear, hear,” Tony said, pretending to raise a glass.

“Oh, fuck off! You’re the one winning!” Bucky shouted.

“We have _two points_. You guys could get the next one and I don’t and we’d be even!”

“Shut up, of course you’re going to get it,” Clint scowled, folding his arms, “Nat, read the question.”

Natasha looked at the standoff before carefully turning to the last card, nodding at Thor and Bruce so they could skedaddle before the conversation escalated.

“Steve, if you could pick your last meal, what would it be?” She asked quietly.

The room turned to look at Steve, who shrugged while scrolling through his phone.

“I dunno. Probably Ma’s shepherd’s pie,” he said, not seeing Tony start to smirk and Bucky and Clint growing progressively annoyed, “She used to mix lamb and beef, since lamb was way too expensive to buy for the full recipe, and we’d have colcannon on top, but it was more cabbage than potato, for the same reason.”

Once he stopped talking, Bucky and Clint stared at him and then Tony, about to give out cheers at not finishing, when Steve held up his hand.

“With a beer,” he amended.

“What kind?” Bucky asked.

“Sam Adams.”

“Which one?” Clint asked.

“Octoberfest.”

Natasha put her hands over her ears as the room descended into chaos. Bucky tried to leap at Tony, but Steve stepped forward in time to catch him, giving Tony time to duck behind him.

“Buck! Knock it off!” Steve growled, “So _what_ if Tony knows stuff? He does that. He knows things.”

“ _I’m_ your best friend! Not him!” Bucky growled, trying to reach over Steve’s shoulders to get at Tony, “He’s a little—”

“Finish that sentence very carefully.”

“C’mon, James,” Natasha said coolly, unfolding herself from her chair to go put a hand on Bucky’s shoulder, “We’ve known this for months. No need to get riled up.”

“Still! I can’t believe he’s shacking up with Stark and telling him shit and doesn’t even have the balls to admit it!” Bucky shouted, turning to face Natasha.

His eyes bugged out as he realized what he said, putting his hands on his hips. Clint slowly placed himself between Bucky and Steve, pushing the former toward the door as what Bucky had said started to percolate in the room.

“I…am not shacking up with Steve,” Tony said slowly, peeking out around Steve’s oddly still body, “Why do you think I’m shacking up with Steve?”

“How else would you know all that shit about Steve?” Bucky couldn’t help the words tumbling from his mouth as he turned to them, “Like, come _on_. The jam, sure. It's yours, so you’d know. Maybe the ice cream. But definitely not Sarah’s shepherd’s pie—especially not those details. Steve is only that detailed during pillow-talk.”

“Buck,” Steve tried to snap, sounding more miserable as his face flushed, “I’m not—I don’t—”

“No, no, he’s right,” Tony sighed, “But that doesn’t mean we’re shacking up, Barnes.”

“I’ve seen him leave your room,” Clint piped up, “And not at night. In the _morning_. In his pajamas.”

“And? I get nightmares,” Steve said, sliding his gaze over to the archer, “Tony’s reactor helps with them. Plus, his bed is self-heating.”

“Right. And Steve helps with my night terrors,” Tony added, stepping out from around Steve as he placed a hand on the small of the Captain’s back, “You guys do that for each other too, but you don’t see _us_ saying you shack up with each other.”

“That’s because it’s a given,” Natasha said smoothly, “We figured we didn’t need to announce ourselves to the world.”

“Right! So, we don’t either,” Steve said, motioning toward Nat with a triumphant smile.

The room was quiet, except for Tony smacking his face with the palm of his hand before groaning, shaking his head.

“Wrong wording, beloved,” he sighed, looking up to watch Clint whoop and Bucky try to move toward him again.

“What? I—Bucky, stop trying to get at Tony,” Steve scolded, “I’m just saying, we don’t need to explain ourselves. What we do in Tony’s bed is our business.”

“Making it worse, Steven!” Tony hissed, his voice a little high-pitched.

“Actually, it’s everyone’s business since your room isn’t soundproofed,” Natasha said.

The men were silent, to which she shrugged, looking at her nails before picking at her cuticles.

“Oh no,” was all Tony managed before Bucky growled and leaped, causing the engineer to scream as he was tackled, and they rolled around the floor. Clint patted Steve’s shoulder consolingly, smirking as the Captain buried his pink face in his hands. Watching the scene unfold, Natasha sighed and turned on her heel, grabbing up her hat to dump the excess papers onto the floor before leaving the room with a small smile.

“Team exercise successful, Sir,” she said into the device in her sleeve, allowing herself one skip in her step.

“Good work, Widow. Remind me to send them a congratulatory basket of fruit,” Fury’s voice filtered through her earpiece, “And please, for the team’s sake, ask Miss Potts to soundproof Stark’s bedroom. I’m tired of Barton complaining to me.”

“Of course, Sir,” Natasha said, approaching her floor.

“And Widow?”

“Yes, Sir?”

“Perhaps congratulations to you and—”

“Don’t push it,” She said as she dropped the device from her sleeve to the ground, smiling as she crushed it with her Louboutin heel.


End file.
